Autism; they’re not the only ones in the quick-sand

My daughter has autism. My daughter has autism. My daughter has autism. My daughter is BRILLIANT, beautiful beyond words, has a heart of pure GOLD and she has AUTISM with a capital “A”.

There are no doubt legions of acquaintances and family members who would argue with me on that point simply BECAUSE she is brilliant, beautiful and has a heart of gold. But none the less she fits an overwhelmingly majority of the key characteristics to a tee. This is VERY hard for me to “admit” in writing, as if I’m betraying my daughter at the very core of who she is. But it’s not a character flaw is it? No, no, no, no, no. I tell myself this a thousand times a day (as if to reassure myself) in hopes that reminding myself will serve ME in someway to be a better mom FOR her.

What I fight against almost every minute of the day is the nagging thought that she’s “fine” and that I’ve somehow put all this upon her, over time by NOT being there for her in her darkest hours of her infancy and her toddler hood. And I don’t mean physically. I mean that because of my own spiritual and emotional brokenness I wasn’t here for her CORE. That because I was so lost in my own garbage that I wasn’t able to pull her out of the slow moving whirlpool of not being able to reference, not knowing where she was at in time and space, and the inability to “read”people and situations. There’s a HUGE part of me that knows that this line of thinking is no doubt helping me stay stuck and that the mud will only grow thicker and murkier and yet in the middle of another meltdown, in the middle of another episode of her word-smithing every word that comes from my mouth, in the middle of her interpreting everything SO literally and the utter exhaustion that comes from it all, I DO wonder.

So what if she’s NEVER been able to establish or maintain eye contact (which I now know to be just “window dressing” on the house of dynamic emotion sharing relationships), so what if she was born in complete sensory crisis, was there something in the fabric of her formative early months that I could have “done”. All those paralyzing questions prevent me from living in the here and now. And the here and now is where she needs me.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Diary of a Not So Ordinary Boy

My world, its ups and downs

4healthypaws

A Holistic Site for ALL Paws

WordPress.com

WordPress.com is the best place for your personal blog or business site.

Talking Math with Your Kids

Because children enjoy using their minds

The Never Say Never Home Schooler

A home school blog written by someone who NEVER, EVER thought she'd home school. This ain't your mama's idea of home schooling, but the kids are learning despite me!

Game4Learning

Fun Learning Resouces for Kids

ipledgeafallegiance

When will we ever learn?: Common sense and nonsense about today's public schools in America.

Left Coast Dad 2 Two

I Control The Remote When No One Else Is Home

Teacher to Mum

Whispered reflections about being a mindful parent

%d bloggers like this: