Is It Too Late To Give Up Grief For Lent?

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You KNow You’re In The Grief Cycle When……

You’re talking to your bff on the phone (thank you GOD for free long distance) and you find yourself tearing up because you realize in the middle of the conversation where you’re trying to recount the frustration that has been the past 48 hours, that you’re grieving the fact that autism has taken EVERY single interaction that could be “normal” from you and your daughter.  There is NO normal in your daily life.  Not one shred of your time with your daughter can be viewed from the “normal filter”.  It’s ALL autism ALL the time.  And you think to yourself while your friend is doing everything humanly possible to relate to you and meet you in your frustration and angst, that you would know this by now because you’ve not only been her parent her entire life, but you’ve been homeschooling her for seven years, so you’d think you would have clued into the millions of clues that make up your reality.  But in hashing out the frustrating details of the past couple of days you realize that your child isn’t referencing you, as her mom, her coach, her advocate, her friend, or even a person.  That truly, during the course of any conversation or interaction with her you might as well as be the refrigerator because she’s not seeing you as a person.  And here’s the hardest part for me:   It’s NOT PERSONAL.  SHE HAS AUTISM.  No matter WHAT others around you say, THIS IS AUTISM people.  That’s why she’s completely overwhelmed on most days and that’s what’s leading to all sorts of behaviors.  It’s why she can only do a fraction of the studying that her peers can do, and what her IQ says she’s capable of.  It’s confounding.  It’s baffling.  It’s autism.  And it’s like watching your precious baby slip away from you and there’s nothing you can do about it.  You fear for her future, you’re terrified that you may not have one.

But you’re grateful for that one friend who truly “gets it”.  She tries to tease out of the knotted fabric the threads that are autism, what are sensory integration dysfunction, and the unbelievable stress you’re living under.  So for that light in the darkened room I am truly grateful.
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1 Comment

  1. It’s never too late to give up the grief, but it’s damn near impossible. Because it really doesn’t matter how often you tell yourself that it’s Autism, it still hurts that you are not a specific person to her and because you love her so much you’re going to worry beyond belief for her future. Heck, I’m told that parents of neurotypical children worry greatly too about their children’s futures. I can’t imagine it’s the same, but then I can’t imagine what it’s like to have neurotypical children.

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